Overcome Perfectionism: The Art of Letting Go and Developing Self-Kindness

As somebody who has perfectionist tendencies, I understand how challenging it can be to relax and let go of the need to be perfect. Dedication to your life goals and wanting to reach your highest potential is admirable, however when we step into the land of perfectionism, we enter dangerous territory which has a negative effect on us; body, mind and soul.

Perfectionism leads to mental and physical exhaustion, stress, anxiety, depression and low self-esteem.

So, how do you know if you are a perfectionist? Read the traits below and notice how many of them you recognise in yourself.

Traits of a Perfectionist…

• All or nothing mindset/black and white thinking
• Extremely high demands of self and others
• Unrealistic expectations
• Strong emphasis on achievement and ‘success’
• Fear of failure or rejection
• Procrastination
• Overly critical, with a harsh inner voice
• People pleasing tendencies
• Pressure to succeed and be the best
• Obsessive compulsive behaviour
• Physical and mental burnout
• Sensitive to criticism
• Low self-esteem
• Feels not good enough
• Sacrifices health and wellbeing, in order to ‘achieve’
• Unrealistic goal setting
• Feels guilt and shame often

At the root of perfectionism, lies a very common mistaken belief: “I am not good enough”

When we feel not good enough, we work hard to compensate for what we believe we lack. This will express itself differently in different people and in various different aspects of our lives. You may feel pressure to succeed and reach the top of the ladder in your chosen career, otherwise you believe that you have failed.

Perhaps you believe that you need to parent perfectly, otherwise you are a terrible mother/father. Maybe you feel you need to look perfect, otherwise you are unlovable and will be rejected. Even in the realms of spirituality, perfectionists can feel as though they need to be perfect human beings, otherwise they have failed spirituality and disappointed God/Spirit.

Ask yourself: How would it feel to let go of perfectionism?

Do you feel a sense of relief? Or a wave of fear? All or nothing thinking patterns can fool us into believing that there is no middle ground. Perfectionists believe that if we let go of our extreme need to achieve, we will suddenly lose all drive and ambition and fail miserably. It can feel as though if we stop seeking the approval of others, we will no longer be loved or accepted. These however are mistaken beliefs, based on old conditioning.

Overcoming perfectionism offers us freedom, flexibility, gentleness and greater health and wellbeing. It is a journey and not a destination. Letting go of perfectionism is not something to be ‘achieved’; there is no end goal. It is a decision to choose a new way of life that is for our highest good.

For me, this means learning how to hand over the obsessive need to control the world around me and instead, trust the process of life. It is being unapologetically myself and knowing that I am good enough, even if I do not have the approval of others. It is working hard on my goals that are aligned with my spiritual purpose and then surrendering, knowing that I am good enough whatever the outcome.

Most importantly, it is practicing gentleness and supporting myself through life, with a deep understanding that I am always learning and this is not only okay, but necessary for my growth.

Overcome perfectionism with these tips below…

1. Develop a Kind Inner Voice

The first step towards developing a gentler inner voice, is to bring conscious awareness to what is happening within. Begin to notice on a daily basis how you are talking to yourself. Is your inner voice loving and supportive? Or harsh and critical? How do you react when you make a mistake? Would you speak to your friend in this way?

Often, it is only when people really pay attention to their inner dialogue that they realise how harsh it is. If you are used to speaking to yourself in an unloving manner, it is likely that you have accepted this as ‘normal’ and you may not even be aware of how unkind you are to yourself.

Each time you notice an unloving thought, replace it with a kind one and repeat it three times in your mind or out loud. If you are unsure of what to replace the unhelpful thought with, simply affirm “I love and accept myself, just as I am” or “I am good enough, just as I am”. Even if it feels ‘fake’ at first, as the saying goes: Fake it ‘til you make it! It is time to consciously choose kindness.

2. Challenge Unhelpful Core Beliefs

As you practice self-awareness and become more aware of your inner dialogue, it is then possible to understand more deeply the beliefs we are operating from. Core beliefs are beliefs about ourselves, others and the world around us, that we believe to be absolute truths. They are often conditioned beliefs that were learned during childhood and can shape our lives in a negative way, if they are not loving and supportive.

Here are some common unhelpful beliefs, at the root of perfectionism:

“I am not good enough”

“I am unlovable”

“There is something wrong with me”

“The people I love always leave me/reject me”

“I am unworthy”

When you are aware of the unhelpful beliefs you live from, it is time to challenge them. Ask yourself:

Where does this belief come from?

Where did I learn to feel this way?

How does it hold me back?

How would my life look without this belief?

What belief would I like to have instead?

When you stop affirming unhelpful core beliefs and ‘buying into them’, you will find it easier to choose a different belief system, that is aligned with the ultimate highest truth: That you always have been and always will be, good enough. Do not allow your thoughts to run on auto pilot anymore; challenge, challenge and challenge some more until you live only from this truth.

3. Focus on Alignment, not Achievement

If we have spent most of our lives trying to please others and achieve success in order to gain approval, then we may have lost, or never even met before, our true authentic selves. When we focus on alignment instead of achievement, we live from a place of passion and joy and our focus is on being aligned with our soul’s highest purpose.

There is a huge amount of emphasis on external ‘success’ in our current world and we are sold an idea of what this success means specifically. It is having a certain type of career, a specific type of family, a particular body shape and so on. But what happens when these versions of success are not aligned with who we truly are? We lose ourselves in the process of trying to live up to them. Can we really call this success?

For me, success is no longer attached to outcome or achieving anything specific. Instead, I feel successful when I am setting intentions that are based on what I feel most passionate about. I feel successful when I make decisions in my life that may not appear to be ‘correct’ in the eyes of others, but they sure feel good for me.

I am successful when I live from my heart and prioritise being spiritually aligned. Success means making more time for joy, happiness and fulfilment.

What do you want success to mean for you?

4. Free Yourself with Flexibility

When we let go of rigid thinking, we are able to soften and invite more flexibility into our lives. Flexibility means that we understand there is not just one, perfect way to do things. Perhaps someone else will have another idea that will work just as well, if not better, than ours. Maybe it is okay to let go and settle into life with more ease and trust.

If something is not going to plan, it is flexibility which allows us to choose another way or trust in the current process. Practice letting go of excess control and make space for different choices and mistakes along the way. Give yourself permission to be flexible and experience a deeper sense of peace and fulfilment.

5. Practice Imperfection Purposefully!

Each day, try to do something imperfectly such as: Not correcting a typo in an email or text, leaving clothes on the floor instead of putting them in the wardrobe straight away, skipping your workout or delaying the washing up until the following day.

Focus on the area of your life where you express perfectionism the most and ask yourself: How can I practice more imperfection? It might feel uncomfortable at first, but it is a wonderful way to create positive change.

Perfectionists hold a belief that if they are less than perfect, something ‘bad’ will happen.

What do you fear will happen if you are not perfect?

Practice being imperfect and notice what happens. Do things fall apart? Are you rejected? Does the world stop? No. When you realise this, the fear surrounding your unhelpful core beliefs will dissolve and you will give birth to a new belief system; one which supports your growth and makes room for mistakes – with no guilt and no shame.  

“A real sign of progress is when we no longer punish ourselves for our imperfections”

Yung Pueblo

From one recovering perfectionist to another, may you discover the beauty of your imperfections and offer yourself the gift of forgiveness and flexibility.

By Nicola Harrold

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On March 7, 2021   /   Energy, Happiness, Healing, Hypnosis, Hypnotherapy, love, meditation, mindfulness, Spiritual   /   1 Comment